It’s interesting to see how certain life choices can completely transform who you are. In my mind, I’m still just a revised version of the old me. The old me didn’t make a lot of good choices, didn’t have a strong focus in life, and certainly didn’t have an athletic bone in her body. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind’s eye, she’s still there and very present. Only those that knew me in that time can attest that, at that time, that was me. I think one of the reasons why she’s still so prominent is because she embodies many of my insecurities. She’s the voice of the ‘I can’ts’ and amplifies my fears. She’s the one who says I’m not good enough or worthy. As hard as it is to swallow, she is still me and I haven’t let her go yet. It’s a daily struggle and a process. I am, however, aware that I’m a very different person now and am so much happier and I’m surrounded by amazing people in my life who love, support, and inspire me. I couldn’t ask for much more.
Sixteen years ago, I never would have thought I would be a girl who would run for 4 hours through the trails in Whistler, which included a bear encounter (2 bears actually) and a soak in glacial run off waters. Sixteen years ago, I wouldn’t have pictured running my 4th 50km race in a few days. Sixteen years ago, I was 20lbs lighter, didn’t do ANY exercise – actually, I didn’t really do ANYTHING and that’s not an exaggeration – and wasn’t sure what to do with my life.. and I smoked. Not only did i smoke, but I was also bulimic. I also didn’t necessarily keep the best company. You know those Asian girls that you would see at the night clubs that dated a few shady characters who were on the wrong side of the legal line? Yah, I was one of those. Again, poor life choices.
Now, I run ultramarathons, lead a run club that is full of a phenomenal group of people, have a fun career that ties together philanthropy and sport, am realizing my passion for building an inspiring run community, have built and continue to build strong life-lasting friendships with people that humble me, and I am loved. There is a focus and a purpose to my life and it’s ever-changing and is being constantly refined.
I don’t know how it happened – it’s all a blur. All I know is that I am falling forward toward positivity and possibility in my life, which stem from beautiful experiences and rare people. I am continually thankful, inspired, and ever so lucky. And one day, she’ll just be quiet and be happy for me.