the road to … ??

Your life is a journey with many side roads and pit stops. Sometimes you stop, and, without realizing it, let yourself coast on cruise control for longer than you expected until someone taps you on your shoulder and wakes you up. Sometimes that someone is you.

Lately, I’ve been having thoughts .. thoughts about my career. I never thought of myself having a “career”, per se. I’ve always thought, and possibly still do think, that as long as I’m good at what I do, I’ll be happy. It doesn’t have to be some big high up fancy corporate career. It doesn’t have to be glamorous. It doesn’t have to necessarily be exciting, as long as I’m good at what I do and I find it exciting. But, for the last while, I’ve been having doubts about my career. job. whatever you want to call it. one of the things that make up me, as a person.

I’ve been unhappy, stressed, and, more recently, uninterested and unmotivated at my job. I think about what I enjoy and what motivates me to come in every day and I realize it’s the people – I love the people I work with. They’re like my extended family. They’re also all like me, but with minor quirks and differences but fundamentally, we’re all the same, which is why we mesh so well. They’re smart, hard-working, dedicated, loyal, funny, and want what i want – to serve our customers. The purpose of our day is, ultimately, to provide the best service we can to our customers.

I used to be completely satisfied with my role in providing that service, but lately, my job satisfaction has diminished. I have too much to do; i’m always tired; it doesn’t excite me. I used to be able to handle my stress quite well, but recently, it’s to the point that it is affecting me physically. I can’t get all my work done so I don’t feel good about myself. I pride myself in what I believe are my strengths – my efficiencies, my speed, my enthusiasm.

Tonight, I had dinner with Paul and we did a bit of exploration on what i want to do. I believe it would be similar to what a career counsellor would do — funnily enough, I have an appointment with one tomorrow. He helped me delve into what I really loved .. which is event planning. But not just any event planning – i don’t want to be a 3rd party hired service. I want to be a part of it — see the end result, partake in the fruits of my labour, to be cliche. We also talked about my desire in event planning around sporting events .. and how to get exposed to that, through Lions Gate.

On the flip side, we tapped into my “inner computer geek”. I find these two sides of me on such opposite ends.

On the event planning side, it’s extroverted type work .. working with people .. finding out what they want .. and helping them get there. Human dynamics, human relationships – it’s all an unknown and always subjective. Then there’s the scientific nerd in me that loves computers and loves working with them. Everything is tangible – there’s always a logical answer to everything.

Is there a way to balance the two? If I satisfy one side, will I be able to satisfy the other?

I haven’t been this excited about anything for a while – at least not in my professional career. I definitely have this passion and desire in running, which makes me wonder …

  • Is my enthusiasm in running being displaced because I’m struggling with my running and can’t experience it like i did? Or, was my running distracting me from pursuing something bigger?
  • I always said I wasn’t ambitious in my career. Did something awake inside of me that was always there? Where was it all this time?
  • Did meeting Daniel stir up some inner desires? Not for him, in particular, but for life. Am I ambitious and didn’t know it? Did staying with Dickson stifle that drive inside of me?

There are so many questions and the journey to answer them is so thrilling to me. At the same time, just experiencing this excitement again, makes me want to make it a slower process so that I can fully enjoy it. I want to savour it .. revel in it .. I’m scared that it will disappear. But, finally, I’m starting to be happy again .. truly happy – from the inside out.


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